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For new or casual wine drinkers, it can be hard to remember the differences between a chardonnay and a sauvignon blanc. To make it easier, I’ve been looking for different wine descriptions to use without sounding like a high school student who discovered a thesaurus for the first time.
Since I’m not a professional wine taster or sommelier, I don’t have the astounding level of arrogance it must take write a wine description like this- “a powdery, fine-grained mineral driven exit that feels like the perfect hug from a distant relative.”
Wtf? This is an actual excerpt from the tasting notes for a $250 bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Besides sounding douchey, what does this even mean?
I imagine if you’re really, really into wine, the “powdery-fine grained” exit might mean something. But to me, it sounds like this wine has sand in it or something. And, is the “perfect hug from a distant relative” a good thing or a bad thing? Personally, I’d rather not be hugged by my great aunt’s cousin’s wife’s uncle.
Which means maybe it’s a bad thing, and that would make sense since the wine has sand and sh$t in it. Except since this is from a positive review, I’m not really sure.
Wine Descriptions for Beginners
So for the rest of the amateur or new wine drinkers like me, I created this easy guide to learn the basics about wine by comparing them to some of the famous and infamous people of 2020.
It should be noted that this post is meant to be entertaining and fun. I mean no disrespect to any wines or brands mentioned; as for the people, the disrespect is very intentional.
Wine Descriptions using Celebrities
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Since she just passed away a few months ago, RBG has been in the news a lot, which is why I included her in this list.
If Justice Ginsburg were wine, she’d be Grenache. Grenache is a red wine with medium tannins (the stuff that dries your mouth out when you taste it). It has flavors of berries and a spicy, peppery finish. Grenache is made from the toughest wine grape grown. It can survive poor soil, wind and drought. Much like RBG survived cancer like 12 times and worked until she was 106. Some people like Grenache and some people hate Grenache; but everyone is aware of it’s impact in the world of wine.
Joe Exotic
Boone’s Farm Stawberry Hill. I know it seems like 4 years ago now but remember when everyone was watching The Tiger King on Netflix? Watching Joe Exotic was like a train wreck we couldn’t look away from. From his fake country music songs to his husbands who pretended to be gay, we knew we might have fun while watching but we also knew we’d be left with a hangover. Just like Joe pretended to be an animal lover and rescuer, Boone’s Farm pretends to be wine. It’s actually malt liquor masquerading in a wine bottle with enough sugar to cover up its vileness. And the depressing sadness for those mistreated animals has lasted longer for me than any Boone’s Farm hangover did.
Carol Baskin
White Zinfandel. Carol is the Karen of tiger rescue. She somehow thinks she’s sophisticated, even while wearing tacky animal prints and a tiara made of flowers. She wants us to think she’s the good guy in this horror show. Much like White Zinfandel tries to compete for legitimacy in the wine world, Carole wants us to think she’s the only one who cares about the big cats in captivity.
You might also like our post on 10 Common Wine Myths, check it out here.
Donald Trump
Comparing the President to wine is a little problematic since wine is made from grapes with thick skins, something no one would accuse Donald Trump of having. However, if Donald Trump were a wine, he would be a Burgundy; specifically one of Rudy Kurniawan’s counterfeit bottles of Clos St Denis Grand Cru.
For a quick history lesson, Rudy Kurniawan is the only person ever convicted of wine fraud in the United States after making fake bottles of vintage burgundy in his kitchen, then selling them at auction for millions of dollars. So in short, he was a smooth-talking con man who convinced a lot of people he was a knowledgable wine collector but really he was just a fraud. Sounds a little like the carnival barker in chief to me.
Joe Biden
Merlot. Like Joe, Merlot wine has been around for a long time. It’s a dry red wine with black cherry, raspberry and plum flavors, light tannins and a smooth finish. It fell out of favor for awhile and most people forgot about Merlot all together. But, it’s made a comeback recently and people are rethinking their positions on this easier drinking dry red. It’s a sensible choice, especially when compared to a Burgundy.
Dr Fauci
Cabernet Sauvignon. One of the most popular wines in the world. It stands up to bold food flavors and has been around for centuries. It’s famous and award-winning. Like we can trust a good cabernet to help fill out the flavor profile of our meals, we know we can trust Dr. Fauci to help us navigate a pandemic.
Figure out how to pair wines with your food instead of people. Check out the like to buy “What to Drink with What you Eat” by clicking on the book cover:
Karen
Sauvignon Blanc. 2020 really has been the year for Karens. I’m sure they have always been here but now that everyone can record their entitled tantrums, we are more aware of them. Much like Karen herself, Sauvignon Blanc is pale in color, crisp and sour, sometimes making your mouth pucker. It pairs well with asking to see the manager and “wine mom culture.”
Mike Pence
Sparkling Grape Juice. Technically, he should be skim milk- bland, non-descript, disappointing. But since we’re talking about wine, the closest resemblance to him would be sparkling grape juice. (I don’t think Mother allows him to drink.)
When Trump first chose him as his running mate, we felt a tiny bit reassured. Surely this devout Christian man would temper Trump’s more radical ideas and serve as a steadying influence in the White House. Of course he would be able to offer guidance on constitutional issues and foreign policy decisions to the first US President with zero government or military experience.
But, like all 9 year olds at the kids’ Thanksgiving table, excited to sip sparkling grape juice out of wine glasses like the adults, we’ve been sadly disillusioned. It was nothing like what we imagined- a disappointingly odd flavored juice, that wasn’t as good as regular juice, and didn’t make us feel grown up at all.
Greta Thornburg
Bota Box Redvolution. This wine is a bold red blend packaged in an environmentally friendly cardboard box. The Bota Box brand is revolutionizing the wine industry and trying to change minds about how we package and enjoy wine. Like the wine, Greta has been on a crusade to bring attention to and action against climate change. She isn’t afraid of challenging the status quo and can hold her own against naysayers, bullies and belligerent world leaders.
Kamala Harris
Champagne. Specifically, Veuve Clicquot. Barbe-Nicole Clicquot became the first female owner of a Champagne house when she took over the business after the death of her husband. She was also the first female champagne maker in the world and revolutionized the Champagne making process with quality improvements. Veuve Clicquot Champagne is a blend of different grapes resulting in a lively wine with persistent bubbles.
Like Madame Clicquot, Kamala Harris has had her share of firsts. She was the first woman and first woman of color elected Attorney General of California and is now the first female Vice President of the US. She is known for her lively and persistent questions during Senate Judiciary hearings and her spirited debate performances.
Wine Descriptions Summary
Now that you’ve got a mental picture of our cast of characters and the wines they represent, you’ll be ready to choose your next bottle of wine. If you’re in a bad mood after a long week and the restaurant screwed up your order, a Sauvignon Blanc might hit the spot. Karen would approve.
If you need to relax and want something safe, maybe a even a little boring and old fashioned, Merlot is just what you need.
Want to challenge the status quo but be environmentally responsible at the same time? It’s time to open a Bota Box.
I hope this post has been helpful. If you disagree with any of my comparisons, feel free to leave a comment and let me know. If this post has made you thirsty, click the image below to order from wine.com